On A Mission

VanGuston McOlson in action to set a world record of "Most Annoying Asshole"

BIWABIK, Minnesota (SFP & FM)--In a life long quest to become Guinness World Record's "Most Annoying Asshole," VanGuston McOlson announced the launch of his US tour to spread his annoyingness. A former resident of the iron-range town Biwabik, MN (population 934), McOlson established a long track record of annoying citizens. In 1993, a town referendum voted 831- 42 to kick McOlson out of his residence located downtown on the basis that his cow bell became too annoying. McOlson currently resides in exile 15 miles north of Biwabik in a log cabin. It has been rumored that during certain times of day his cow bell can still be heard faintly by some residents and school children.

"They can take away my land but they can't take away my dream to be annoying with a cowbell" McOlson commented during a press conference held to announce his new US tour.

Recently McOlson was spotted at Giant's Ridge Skiing area during a Minnesota State High School cross country ski race. Although Mr. McOlson did have troubles initially obtaining a security clearance for his bell, he was eventually cleared moments before the race began by the management of Giant's Ridge. During the race he achieved his annoying status after being on the ski grounds for no more than 6 minutes. Today McOlson just announced a 60-stop "annoying tour" which spans to both coasts along with stops in every state in the continental US with the exception of Rhode Island and Oregon. The goal of the tour is to earn McOlson a spot in the Gunniess World Record book as "Most Annoying Asshole." This title is currently held by Tobais Dingledorfhoffer of Stockholm, Sweden by means of yolding set back in 1933.

The sheriff of New Salem, North Dakota announced his intentions of arresting McOlson after learning that his town is on the 60-stop tour. Sheriff John Randaowski released a statement announcing his intentions to arrest VanGuston McOlson in violation of a city ordinance which states that any cow bell ringing is illegal within 20 miles of New Salem Sue, the world's largest cow and icon of the western North Dakotan town. McOlson released a statement two hours after Randaowski's statement.

The statement read: "I fully intend to press on with my current tour schedule to achieve my dream regardless of threats of area law enforcement agencies, especially in the town of New Salem, ND. Any arrests will be conceived as a violation of my 1st amendment constitutional rights and I will fight any charges to the best of my ability in order to gain the title of "Most Annoying Asshole."

The sheriff's office in New Salem was not able to be reached for comment regarding McOlson's new proclamation but local bloggers report that the sheriff is about to request additional man power from nearby Dickinson to deal with the new potential threat. The tour will be launched on March 11, 2005 in Proctor, Minnesota.