Death of a Cell Phone

Old cell phone found after it dismantled itself after hearing news of being replaced by a young model.

WINONA, Minnesota (SFP & FM)-- Jared's old cell phone has dismantled itself out of grief after it heard the news that it has been replaced by younger, more technologically advanced model. It was found on a desk last Friday evening with a note saying "You'll regret not using me anymore, I rotated damnit!" Jared's new cell phone, a color model Siemens brand phone, could not be reached for a comment after several phone calls. But later put out a statement through it's publicists saying: "....though it is tragic to hear such news about Jared's older phone, I must point out that I am by far cooler because I light up around the edges during incoming calls and have a color display. Besides, people will forget about the older phone in a few weeks anyways." Plans for the casing of the old phone are still being planned. But an anonymous inside associate of Jared indicated that the casing might possibly be placed in the top drawer of his dorm room desk next to the 20 plus empty Altoid tins that currently occupy the space.

Jared's Rant: WHO GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON'S TRIAL?! They should put the guy to jail for shitty music after the releasing of his last album. Seriously, we all know he did it, we all know he's not all there, so just put him away and get on with life. If a non-celebrity guy admitted that he likes to sleep in the same bed with children that are not his own just for the hell of it and molested some kids he would of been sleeping in the same bed with a guy named Duke behind bars after 3 weeks from when he was arrested. Just because he's got money and at one point made good music doesn't mean he can get away with creepy crap. Also I am getting sick of all the media hype around the case. "Today defense attorneys for the Michael Jackson trial took a crap in a court house bathroom." There is by far much more important things going on in the world that deserve media coverage than some guy who thinks he's Peter Pan.

Here's a random thought: Wouldn't it be cool to hire your own group of paparazzi? This way you can work out an agreement with your paid paparazzi and in way control what they take pictures of or where they hide so they don't completely scare the shit out of you. Then when you get famous and the evil non-hired-by-you-paparazzi people come and take photos of you brushing your teeth and stuff they can get scared away by your own friendly force of paparazzi who by then will be trained in judo to kick their asses. Everyone's a winner, except for the evil paparazzi who got their asses handed to them by your trained force of judo choppin photo takers. Then later you can use this same force to take over a small island in the eastern Pacific and re-name it Jaredonia, while at the same time have some really good pictures for a kick ass slide show after your retirement. No one will care that you took over a small island because it doesn't have oil on it, and military forces that belong to large capitalist countries won't take you over because of this fact. In the end, this real estate success can be all owed to the fact that you hired your own paparazzi/judo trained force before you became famous.

Bushism: "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."-Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

Today's Exciting But Mundane Activity Jared Did: Swore at a math problem about augmented matrices in finite math. Those things are shitty indeed.

Link of the Day: What you are.
Fun thing to play with when you're bored.

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, 'cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine.